Missing Christmas
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: Set in season 2, Tim has his first Christmas at NCIS...with Gibbs. Written for the 2009 NFA Secret Santa Fic Exchange. Oneshot.


**A/N:** This is the other oneshot I wrote for the 2009 NFA Secret Santa Fic Exchange. It's set in season 2, shortly after Tim joins the team.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own NCIS or any of the characters and I'm not making any money.

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><p><strong>Missing Christmas<br>**by Enthusiastic Fish

_To all NCIS Special Agents:_

_It's nearing on that time of year. Headquarters cannot be closed during the Christmas holiday and will need to have a skeleton crew on hand to deal with any issues. In addition, there will be others who must be on call if needed. _

_Please indicate your willingness to take a shift by the end of the week._

_Director Tom Morrow_

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_Three months later...Christmas Eve..._

Tim glumly thought about how eager he'd been to prove his worth back when that memo had gone out. He had signed up for a full shift on Christmas Eve _and_ Christmas Day. Now that it came down to the actual demonstration, he really wasn't happy about it. In fact, as he watched Tony and Kate get ready to leave, he felt downright depressed. Tony gave a very supportive "Glad I'm not you!" as he stepped onto the elevator. Kate had given Tim a Christmas present, but still, he'd never been away from home on Christmas before. ...and NCIS felt so very empty now. Empty and lonely.

It had all seemed so logical back when the memo had come out asking for volunteers before they simply assigned a few people to take the holidays. Tim had only recently moved to DC, had only just started at NCIS as a full-time field agent. He needed the extra money. He needed to prove himself, prove his devotion to his job. That meant that he had to make a sacrifice. He had known all that a few months ago...but now, he wished he hadn't felt such a need. It was normal for him to need to do all that, but that didn't mean he didn't regret it on occasion.

Like now.

Abby had left earlier that day. Ducky was off with his mother, Tim assumed. Kate was heading to her family. Tony was...well, he'd said he was doing something with friends but, if Tim was honest about it, once that leering look crossed Tony's face, he had turned off his brain and tuned Tony out. Gibbs was... Tim had no idea _what_ Gibbs was doing, and he had no intention of asking what Gibbs was doing. That would be like leaping into the jaws of death. No matter how much he'd wanted to work here, on the MCRT, there was no denying the fact that Gibbs had merely to _look_ at him wrong and he was terrified.

The thought of changing his mind at the last minute and heading home to be with his family was quickly dispelled by the image of Gibbs staring at him as though he was patiently taking him apart, molecule by molecule, eventually leaving only a pile of dust on the floor.

No, he'd have to stick it out. People had to be away from their families all the time. People in the Navy, in _all_ the armed forces, regularly were away during holidays. Tim himself hadn't lived with his family for years. There was no reason to act like a wussy teenager when he was an adult, with a life of his own.

The lights overhead went out as the building shut down to its evening lighting. Dimmer, saving energy. NCIS was nearly empty. There were a couple of people in Intel, maybe one or two in MTAC. Maybe even in Legal. Tim himself, though, was alone in the bullpen for the moment. He didn't know who else had signed up for this duty. He hadn't dared. He still felt uncomfortable around a lot of the people here. Most of them made him feel out-of-place, like he had invaded a clique, one which had no time for a geek field agent...just like the cool kids in high school had no time for a geek.

He sighed and opened up a file on his computer. There was always work to do at NCIS and so he decided he might as well get something done. Technically, he could leave now and come back the next morning (Christmas morning), but he decided that he'd only feel depressed if he went and sat in his small apartment alone on Christmas Eve. He hadn't even had time to put up any decorations. Here, at least, there were a few garlands and the Christmas tree beside the now-empty box of toys they'd been collecting over the last few weeks. A little sprig of festivity in a world that seemed strangely devoid of it now that he was facing the loneliness of being away from home on Christmas.

"Oh, come _on_, Tim," he grumbled to himself. "You're acting like it's the end of the world. You have a job, a family, a home. What do you have to complain about? Get over yourself. It's just one holiday."

With that, he decided to go to his apartment. He didn't need to stay late tonight. He'd be in tomorrow early enough. Why waste time now?

He went home...and again was struck with a horrible sense of homesickness...more than he'd ever felt in his life. Still, he told himself that he didn't need to act like a big ninny. He called home and chatted for a while, keeping his tone light, acting like it was no big deal. He talked with Sarah. She was getting ready to apply for colleges and was excited about the possibility of going somewhere close to him...so that they could party, of course. Tim laughed and said he'd look forward to it. As he spoke with his family, he almost forgot about his loneliness.

...but when the conversation ended and he hung up the phone, his apartment was that much more dreary. Feeling absolutely _no_ Christmas spirit, he went to bed and set his alarm.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_Christmas morning..._

Tim woke up early and for just a moment forgot that he wasn't home. Then, reality stepped in, rather rudely, and pointed out that he was in DC. With a sigh, he got up and looked at his clock, noticing that it wasn't even six. Deciding that there was no point in trying to sleep anymore, he got up and went to work. It had warmed up overnight, turning the little snow they'd received into gray slush. How very depressing.

Almost no one was at NCIS when he arrived. He said hello to the security guard and headed up to the bullpen.

_The day will get over faster if I just get to work and fill the day with it. No thinking about everything that I'm missing._

With a firm nod to himself, he opened up the latest case file and began writing his report. He supposed that there was one good thing about working today. Tony wouldn't be done with his report when he got back from his vacation.

As the morning wore on, Tim couldn't even bear to put on any Christmas music. That only served more to remind him of what he was missing.

"Someone die, McGee?"

Tim jumped and looked up. Sure enough, there was Gibbs, staring at him. "B-Boss? What are you d-doing here?"

"Working, McGee. What do you think?"

Flushing with embarrassment, Tim dropped his head back to his keyboard. "Right. Of course. Sorry."

"What have I told you about apologies?"

"Right. S-Sorry. Er..." Tim decided it would be better if he just stopped talking altogether. It would be better for all concerned.

There was a moment of near silence. Tim could hear Gibbs settling at his desk, but he couldn't bear to lift his head. He was certain his face was still bright red.

"So...who died?"

"What?" That brought his head back up.

"You look like someone died, McGee. Who was it?"

"Er...uh...n-no one died, Boss."

"So...what happened then?"

"Uh...um...nothing, Boss."

Gibbs just stared at him...in the same way he stared at their suspects. Say nothing and stare until they start talking just to fill the horrible, oppressive silence.

"It's just...Christmas," Tim finally blurted out...and then, looked down again.

"Don't like the holiday? Nothing to be ashamed of. Not everyone does."

"No...that's not it. I love it. It's my favorite holiday."

"I see."

And there _was_ a note of understanding in his voice. ...not enough to get Tim to raise his head again, but it _was _enough to surprise him.

"McGee?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop acting like I caught you doing something wrong."

Tim wasn't sure how to do that...because he wasn't really sure what Gibbs meant.

"Um..."

"Stop cowering, McGee!"

Immediately, Tim sat ramrod straight, his eyes wide open. Gibbs managed to surprise him again by laughing.

"I think that might be worse. Relax, McGee. We're both here all day. If you act this tense the whole time, you're liable to launch yourself through the roof."

Tim only managed a weak chuckle, but he did relax a little bit. Gibbs laughing was rare enough that it was a surprising sound.

"Um...why are you working today, B-Boss?" Tim asked tentatively after a few more awkward minutes.

Gibbs stared at him again. "You think I shouldn't be?"

"Y-You're the head of the...the team. You don't need...need to do that."

"And you do?"

"Well...uh...yeah. I'm the new guy. I should...I need to...to..."

"To what?"

Tim lost his nerve. "Nothing. Nevermind."

There was another period of silence which lasted much longer and Tim tried to focus on his work. ...but there was still a lingering sense of unease. He and Gibbs were the only people in the bullpen. They'd be the only ones there the entire day. He wasn't used to spending so much time with someone who had the power to intimidate him with one mere glance in his direction.

"You have family close by, McGee?"

Tim looked up again. Gibbs was looking at him with a degree of curiosity.

"No. It's just me out here. I usually can get home on Christmas Day, at least, but..."

"Not this year?"

"Yeah."

"Why not?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why not? The time to request leave was three months ago. You could have done that."

"No, I couldn't. ...I volunteered to work today."

"Why?"

Tim shrugged. Vocalizing his thoughts didn't seem to be the way to impress his employer. ...not that he _ever_ did a good job at expressing himself.

"You think you have something to prove, McGee?"

"I'm new here, Boss."

"And?"

"And...uh...well, I..." Tim hated that he couldn't seem to speak normally around Gibbs. He hadn't had this much trouble with his stammering in years.

"McGee, is this some sort of attempt to make me think you _deserve_ to be here? That this demonstrates that you are somehow more _worthy_ of working for NCIS because you gave up your Christmas to work?"

"Doesn't it?" Tim asked, almost in dismay.

Gibbs gave him an almost pitying look. "McGee, I judge you on your performance in the field, how well you do your job. It has nothing to do with whether or not you give up vacation days voluntarily."

Utterly dismayed, Tim turned back to his monitor. Bad enough that he was missing Christmas, but he was missing it for a reason that had suddenly vanished into thin air. Gibbs didn't even _care_ that he had sacrificed his holiday. He stared at the file on the screen wishing he could shrink down to nothing, melt into his shoes and hide from Gibbs' pity...from his derision that was surely lurking beneath the outward pity.

"Does this job mean that much to you, McGee?"

Tim knew he couldn't possibly explain that to Gibbs. He settled for a quick nod...and continued staring forward.

"Why, McGee? Why do you care so much about this?"

Tim took a deep breath and turned back. Gibbs was still looking at him, but the expression was one he couldn't figure out. What did he have to lose, really...

"This is the only job I've ever wanted, Boss. I've wanted to be part of NCIS since I was a kid. I went to college, grad school, the whole works, but I always wanted to be a special agent." Tim looked around the bullpen. "_This_ is where I want to be, Boss. This is my goal. Now, I've got it. ...I don't want to lose it. I don't know what else I'd do with my life."

"Did you really think that you'd lose your job if you didn't volunteer to work a shift that _no one_ wants to work?"

"Not...not really...but...don't you see? I'm on the MCRT! I've only been out of FLETC for a little over a year. I'm a probationary field agent. I have to show that I can do the work and am _willing_ to do the work. I know what people think of me. I don't look like an agent. I don't act like an agent. I don't have the background of a field agent. I just want to show that..."

"That you belong? That you're part of the group?"

Gibbs' voice was _way_ too understanding. Tim only nodded.

"And you were willing to give up your Christmas for that?"

Another nod.

"McGee, I won't deny that you're certainly not the kind of agent I would automatically say I wanted on my team, but I _chose_ you for my team. I did it knowing your background, knowing your lack of field experience. I _wanted_ to have you as you are. I don't expect you to turn into DiNozzo suddenly. In fact, it's probably better that you don't. I don't think I could handle two DiNozzos." He smiled. "You have the skills I wanted to have on my team. I wouldn't have put you on the MCRT if I didn't think you could handle it. The only way you need to prove yourself is by doing the best job you can when we're working. I don't accept anything less...but I don't expect anything more. Got that?"

Tim nodded again, feeling as though he'd gone mute. They both got back to work for a while, but Tim's own curiosity had started churning around in his brain and he really wanted to know.

"Boss...don't you have family to be with for Christmas?" He blurted it out before thinking that of all the stupid things he could have asked, that was probably at the top of the list. It was tactless.

"No, McGee. I don't have family," Gibbs answered, his voice rather softer than usual.

Tim gulped and looked down. "Sorry, Boss."

Another awkward pause.

"NCIS is my family."

The simple statement brought Tim's head back up, but Gibbs had already gone back to work. Tim looked at him for a while, wondering what had happened to whatever family Gibbs had had before. Surely, he'd had parents at least. Cousins...something. He'd been married, obviously divorced, but... ...but he had no courage to ask for details.

As the day wore on with no calls in, nothing to break up the monotony of working on reports and case files, Tim missed the Christmas carols that usually played constantly in his parents' home. He searched on the internet for a bit before finding an online radio station playing Christmas music. He turned it on.

"Does it bother you, Boss?"

"Nope. Turn it up."

Tim smiled a little and turned up the volume.

"_...dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."_

The two of them continued to work, occasionally stopping to talk about unimportant things. ...and all the while, the Christmas music played. Tim noticed that he'd stopped feeling so depressed. He wasn't _happy_ about being away from his family, but Gibbs' questions had reminded him that he did have everything he wanted. ...well, _almost_ everything. A family of his own would be nice but that was obviously still in the future. There would be time for that...and there would be other Christmases.

It came on to evening and the day had been essentially devoid of excitement. By an unspoken agreement, they got up and left at the same time. Tim felt better about today than he had since the beginning of the week. As he headed to the bus, he looked back over his shoulder. Gibbs was headed to his car.

"Hey, Boss!"

Gibbs turned back.

"Merry Christmas!"

There was a brief pause and then Gibbs smiled.

"Merry Christmas, McGee!"

Tim grinned and headed back to his apartment. Nothing had happened today really...and yet Tim felt better about his status, about his job, about his choices...about his team. It had turned out to be not a bad Christmas.

...but he had no intention of volunteering for it next year.

FINIS!


End file.
